Heh! This is hysterically funny even if most of the underlying facts are true!
My dear Sarah*,
Welcome to the campaign trail as the other new kid on the national block. Even though you were elected to the governorship of one of the most rugged, energy-producing states in this country, you must admit that not many outside Alaska had ever heard of you until a week ago. I, too, burst upon the national stage from obscurity, with the speech I delivered at the 2004 Democratic National Convention.
Have you seen the video of that speech, by the way? You really should see it. That speech was good. It was very, very, very good. Oh, but I’m sure you already knew that. How could you not? I am, after all, me. And my face has been everywhere that’s anywhere.
I’ll be more than happy to send you a copy of that speech. I’ll get one of my people to send you a dozen or so; I’ll even autograph them for you. I’m a generous guy. Well, don’t count that poverty-stricken half-brother of mine or the school I promised to help, but didn’t. No one is perfect, you know.
In fact, that speech is the main thing that got me to the top of my side’s ticket. Well, that and the Chicago Daley political machine and Jeremiah Wright and Billy Ayers and Tony Rezko and a pro-Palestinian named Khalidi and the shadowy Hungarian billionaire George Soros.
Seriously though, Sarah, I sincerely hope you don’t have any shady, un-American characters hidden away in your closet, because in case you haven’t realized this, there is a huge — HUGE — double standard on this. I’m a Democrat; we’re expected to be corrupt. You’re a Republican; your people expect honesty. So, you had better be squeaky clean or those moralizing, religious zealots on your side will have you thrown off the ticket faster than you can say “Mark Foley and Larry Craig.”
Never underestimate the value of one good speech, though. It can be recycled again and again, and used in different places all over these 57 states. You can even get national magazines to make cover issues out of one little, recycled speech. Those media people are such easy, convenient stooges, you know.
Oh, sorry, little lady, they only work for my side. Too bad.