The New York Slimes
New York, May 21
By Twinkie Pinch
Acting quickly and decisively to staunch the growing surge of disaffected prosperous New Yorkers who have decided to be unpatriotic and flee their needy state and local governments, the New York State Border Patrol has begun assembling barriers to stem the exodus.
Internal passports will be issued next week and a system of authorized travel papers for those with unavoidable business requirements to cross the border will be implemented by the end of the month. Persons applying for that program will be required to post a permission bond of no less than $5 million dollars. Family members will not be permitted to accompany the citizen on permitted trips.
NY Border Patrol officials are getting a jump start on the new procedures by issuing subpoenas for data on travel patterns of New Yorkers from Airlines, Bus Lines, Credit Card and other companies. In addition the Border Patrol has ordered forty seven new riverine patrol craft to monitor the St. Lawrence Seaway, Hudson, Delaware and Chemung Rivers. Larger coastal patrol craft are on rush order for Lake Erie, Lake Ontario, Lake Champlain, New York Harbor, the Long Island Sound and the Atlantic Ocean.
The sport fishing fleets at Sheepshead Bay, Freeport, Shinnecock, Montauk and other locations will operate under new regulations which will require a five man squad of Border Patrol agents to be aboard each boat before it leaves the dock. The New York Air National Guard, after completion of pilot loyalty mission training, will be deployed to patrol no fly zones along the perimeter of New York State. All private pilots are advised that as of midnight Friday every flight, regardless of weather conditions, requires a mandatory flight plan to be filed at the originating airport. No private pilot is permitted to fly in a twenty mile no fly zone along each of the borders of New York State.
These decisive actions are expected to put a halt to the panicked flight of the haves of New York who selfishly consider their property to be their own. The Times heartily endorses the prompt actions of our selected leaders in protecting the state revenue stream from erosion.
In related news, the New York State Department of Safety has ordered immediate and mandatory confiscation of personal firearms throughout the state. Brigade size elements of the superbly trained new Volunteer Korps, funded by the U.S. Congress, are being detailed to begin operation “Safe Socialist Streets” in major population centers. Drivers are advised to yield the right of way to the glossy black Stryker vehicles on the roads or risk being fired upon.
Garden and Farm Supply stores and distributors throughout the state are ordered to cease all sales of nitrate based fertilizers immediately. Existing stocks are to be inventoried before the weekend. State Officials will beginconfiscating those inventories and relocating them to secure undisclosed locations.
Gas Stations are advised that no purchases of gasoline in portable containers is permitted as of midnight tonight.
Any person who cannot provide proof of citizenship of New York State, of another state of the United States, another sovereign nation, or a Matricula Consular de Alta Seguridad card, when identification is requested by any internal security agent will be transported to one of six regional holding facilities until their citizenship status can be documented.
The New York State Legislature, in emergency session, has passed sweeping legislation outlawing a number of subversive activities which could undermine the safety and security of the state and local governments. Among the activites which have been classified as felonies are; gun ownership, hate speech, hateful thinking, assaulting government officials, assaulting elected officials, attempting to cross state borders without the proper documentation, aiding and abetting the crossing of state borders by another, transportation of currency or valuables across state borders, aiding and abetting the transportation of currency or valuables across state borders, possession of any nitrate based fertilizer, possession of gasoline or any highly flammable liquid not stored in a fuel tank attached in a customary fashion to a motor vehicle, possession of any hateful literature, visiting any hate site on the internet, possession of tobacco products, and membership in any hateful group.
“New York Recovers” legislation was also passed permitting the Border Patrol, Volunteer Korps or any other duly authorized internal security organ of New York State to indefinitely detain any citizen of any other State of the United States if such state harbors former citizens of New York State who have been adjudged as having departed New York State in an attempt to practice tax evasion. Citizen swaps wherein the foreign state citizens could be traded for tax evading New York State citizens was duly authorized.
Again, the Times congratulates the NY Legislature for this prompt, timely action to ensure the safety of the citizenry from hooligans, thugs and profiteers who might attempt to disrupt or evade the orderly implementation of these much needed reforms.
Senator Chucky Schmucky Schumer had this comment when asked how these actions would affect families with young children who had planned to visit Disney World in the near future; “Let them visit Coney Island.” When informed that Coney Island was scheduled to be demolished he commented; “So what?”